Just sitting in the NICU as my perfect, little angel sleeps.
He’s been doing so good lately. His favorite nurse said he will most likely be home sometime in February. I can’t believe we are so close!
He’s been having weekly ultrasounds for his brain bleeds. The last one showed improvement. No more bleeding and his ventricles are shrinking. All really good news. There was a time when we thought a shunt was inevitable. Most likely it won’t be needed and I’m so very happy for that.
A physical therapist and occupational therapist come in to see him a couple of times a week. They showed us some exercises to do with him daily. Most likely he will continue seeing them even after he is released. Just early prevention. Hopefully they won’t be needed for long.
All really good news. But as I sit here I can’t help but feel a little sad. This isnt how things are supposed to be. Today Matty is 37 weeks. We should be at home eagerly anticipating the first signs of labor. I should be waddling around with my huge belly. Our baby shower should have been a couple of weeks ago. We should have real maternity pictures and not ones outside the hospital. His birth should have been a joyous occasion and not one overshadowed with fear and sadness. We didn’t get any family pictures of Claudia and I looking at him adoringly just moments after his birth. I didn’t even get to meet him until 10 hours after he was born. No birth announcements were sent out. No visitors at the hospital to meet him. He’s almost eight weeks old and our families haven’t even been able to see him in person.
I didn’t just want to be a mom. I wanted to experience pregnancy. I wanted to be pregnant. For nine whole months. Matty will most likely be the only baby I carry in my belly and that was cut short. I didn’t get to feel him wiggle around, have the hiccups or see his limbs push up against my tummy. I was just barely beginning to feel his kicks when he was delivered.
I know these things shouldn’t matter. Our son is here. The one we desperately wanted and tried for over and over again. I hate that I even care about these things. All that should matter is that we have Matty. We are mommies. Finally.
Sorry for the pity party rant. I know none of these things should matter and when you look at the big picture they really don’t. I have a beautiful son that I’m so in love with and we have seen him basically develop in front of our eyes. He truly is amazing and that’s what I need to focus on and not feel cheated on what should have been.