I had Chinese food for lunch today. They put three fortune cookies in the bag. I never eat the cookies because I don’t like them too much but I always crack them open for my fortune. The first one said this:
The other two were empty, no fortune at all. Usually I would consider that bad luck but the one I did get made me smile. That one was meant to be for me.
I wish I could say “wow where has the time gone” or “these weeks have flown by” but nope!! This has been the longest month I have ever experienced in my life. It hasn’t even been a month since the egg retrieval and only two weeks since we found out I was pregnant.
I just want it to be July 2nd already so we can do our ultrasound. I’m so anxious, it’s all I can think about.
But like the title says, 6 weeks!!! That excites me. I still can’t believe it and still waiting to feel some pregnancy symptoms. I always thought it was weird when women would say “I didn’t know I was pregnant.” I would think “how did you not know?? You have a little person growing inside of you, dummy!” Well I totally get it now. It’s hard to tell or know. If it weren’t for the pregnancy test, I would have no idea. As crazy as it may seem, I’m still wishing for some symptoms over here! Any day now little one…
This weekend was Pride and we had a great time. We marched in the parade with Claud’s department and went to go eat lunch with some of her coworkers after. We didn’t stay for all the crazy festivities for the first time in about ten years. I knew I wouldn’t have patience for the huge, drunken crowd and all the pushing and shoving that comes along with all that. Guess we are officially getting old. Plus by the time we got to the car at about 2:30, I was already exhausted. I knocked out on the way home. Yup, party animal I am!
My IVF case manager was very pleased with the progress and I’m actually really happy with the latest number. I can finally breath a sign of relief. I was really nervous these last few days.
Since the bleeding, I haven’t even let myself get excited about the ultrasound on July 2 because I was scared of what my beta numbers might be but now I can’t wait!!! Slowly getting past the hurdles. I can relax a bit now and just be happy this is actually happening.
Again, thank you all for all your kind words of support and encouragement.
It’s been a looooong week of work and worry and I am counting down the hours til my weekend starts. Looking forward to spending time with Claudia and the pride parade here in San Francisco.
Right after I published my last post I realized that we sound like whiney, depressing people. We really are lots of fun, I swear! Haha. Well thought I would share a throwback picture to lighten the mood a bit. This is us at 16, when we first got together in high school. Enjoy! (it’s ok to giggle.lol)
We received some bad news yesterday. Cristine got an email from the fertility clinic saying that the 2 other fertilized embryos that weren’t used this cycle did not meet the criteria to be frozen. In other words this is our one and only attempt at this. No more embryos to fall back on, this is it. Thankfully this first cycle worked and we’re pregnant but it’s scary to think how much can still go wrong.
I can’t wait for the moment when we can feel a bit more confident about this pregnancy. Seems we’re just constantly worried and scared about every little thing that could maybe go wrong. I wish we could let go of all the negativity and just simply be optimistic but we’ve been through so much heartbreak that we’re being cautious with our feelings.
Right now we’re not allowing ourselves the chance to be excited and to fully enjoy this moment, which sucks. I wish I could kiss Cristines tummy and talk to our tiny little baby. I wish I could go out NOW and buy a crib and anything baby related. I wish I could tell my friends and family that we’re pregnant and celebrate. I haven’t been able to do any of those things because Im scared of letting myself get attached to the baby only to possibly be let down. (Not that I’m not already attached because I am but..I dont know…more attached, I guess. ) And I’m scared that my actions will also make Cristine love this baby more than I know she already does so i hold back A LOT. It’s like if we act normal like nothing has changed and something does go wrong then it somehow will be less painful.
On Tuesday, when Cristine told me she saw blood on the toilet paper, I felt my heart sink and I had an instant knot in my throat. The thought of anything going wrong kills me. So far there hasn’t been any more blood (I know because I find myself asking Cristine after every single bathroom use) so we feel better than we did on Tuesday.
Maybe once we hear the heartbeat we’ll feel more at ease and maybe then we can start allowing ourselves to believe that this is actually happening for us. That in a little less than 8 months we’ll be mommies to a healthy baby boy or girl.
Hold on tight baby J, your mommies are eagerly waiting for you. Just 35 more weeks baby, u can do it!
Today, the thing that I’ve been paranoid and worried about happened.
I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I didn’t know what to do but stare at it and automatically think the worst. And of course, I started crying.
I called my IVF case manager and she said that it’s normal to bleed some in the first trimester and try not to worry about it. Kinda hard not to. I don’t care how normal it is. I’m fucking worried. She said just to wait til Friday when I go in for one more beta. If it gets worse, call her back.
I’m so sick of waiting. That’s all we do. I just want to know now. The good news is that the bleeding seems to have stopped and I haven’t had any cramps or lower back pain. I was reading that those can be signs of miscarriage when accompanied with bleeding.
I’m so thankful my wife was here to calm me down though. She is always the level headed one while I tend to be more emotional. I don’t know what I would do without her and she is the perfect person for me to share this journey with.
Well…now we just wait…some more. Another countdown to Friday.
Our first ultrasound is scheduled for July 2! I can’t wait but I don’t know how I’m going to stay sane these next two weeks. It sounds so far away.
I still don’t feel pregnant. Guess its still pretty early but I want to feel something. I’ve even been hoping for some morning sickness. I just need some reassurance.
My last beta test was on Friday and my case manager was happy with the numbers, they doubled so that makes me happy too. Since I have a history of an ectopic pregnancy, she is having me go in again this Friday just to make sure everything is still progressing nicely. I wish she was having me go in every other day. I know it’s a lot but I’m paranoid. I know from first hand experience how fast everything can fall apart so I need concrete evidence that our baby is ok.
I’m making Claudia go get more pregnancy tests just so I can see the positive sign and make sure the line stays dark. I know it’s a bit excessive but I think it will help calm my fears a bit. Am I being ridiculous?
The weird thing is that even with all these fears, I still don’t believe that I’m actually pregnant. Claudia and I have been talking about having a baby for over two years now. We’ve allowed ourselves to daydream and talk about our future with a baby and now that it is happening I can’t wrap my head around it. I feel like we are still just having wishful conversations. We are both really excited because this is what we have wanted for so long but I think we are both holding back a bit and waiting for the weeks to pass us by so we can actually see this is happening.
Well I hope everyone has a good week. And good luck to everyone in their TWW! 🙂
Still in disbelief over here that I’m actually pregnant. It still hasn’t sunk in and I keep thinking it’s unreal. I’m actually still in shock.
Things are moving nice and sloooow!!! I have to call on Monday to schedule our first ultrasound two weeks from now. We are basically in another TWW and I want to pull my hair out.
The only pregnancy symptom I have is exhaustion. I can nap all day if I was given the chance and still go to bed at a good time. (I’m yawning as I write this.)
I don’t have much else to write about so I’m going to post a few pictures from our little getaway last week.
We decided to go to a little, town called Stinson Beach. Claudia actually proposed to me there five years ago so we decided that it would be the perfect place to go while we hoped our little embabies were getting snugly in my uterus. We hung out on the beach, went hiking and ate like crazy. It was exactly what we needed.
We pulled over on the freeway to take a few scenic shots.
Hiking in Muir Woods with the giant Redwoods.
Claudia sitting along the creek we found.
I’ve been obsessed with turtles since I found out that they represent good luck and fertility. Claudia found this little guy in the gift shop so we had to get him as a good luck charm. We named him Ferty. 🙂
In June of 2010, we found out I was pregnant to only be disappointed soon after with an ectopic pregnancy.
Between then and now we have experienced tears, heartbreak, disappointment, anger, jealousy and sadness. I have done IUI’s, at home inseminations, medicated IUI’s and now a cycle of IVF.
Almost two years to the date of our first pregnancy, I can say we are pregnant again!!
It worked! It actually freaking worked! We are going to be mommies.
I want to THANK all of you from the bottom of my heart for following along and always leaving encouraging comments and investing your time in our story. Thank you all for the kind wishes, prayers, thoughts and even birthday wishes that were made during this cycle. I will never be able to express the gratitude and appreciation I have for every single one of you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I couldn’t sleep for shit last night. I kept thinking/dreaming about baby related things. Mostly the results of the pregnancy test. I had a couple of dreams about getting a negative which made me toss and turn all night. I imagine my lack of sleep tonight is going to be even worse.
I hate this feeling. I want to know already. Claudia really wants me to take a HPT tonight but I keep telling her no. I figure it’s just safer to wait til we get the results from an actual blood test. Mainly because if it’s a negative I don’t want to have to see “not pregnant” on the screen and then tomorrow have to hear it from a nurse as well. And we’ve gotten a positive before on a HPT to only hear that my beta numbers were really low. But at the same time, if it is a negative I feel like it might be better to know tonight in hopes that it will lessen the blow when I have to hear it from a nurse tomorrow. I don’t know. I’m confused. And I think I’m being confusing.
Honestly, I don’t feel like I am pregnant. I hate being so negative but I can’t help it. I’m terrified of the results. I don’t know how I’m going to pick myself back up if this cycle isn’t the ONE.
There’s nothing else I can do at this point. Either I am or I’m not. But please please please please let me be.
Countdown to Pregnancy Test- One Sleep!!!!! (or about 10 hours depending on what I decide)