Our Babies

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All the pregnancy failures we’ve had these past 2 years have really brought my wife Cristine down emotionally. I’ve felt the impact of it all too but I have work to keep me busy and distract me. Cristine on the other hand has been unemployed with the plan of relaxing and prepping her body for pregnancy. She has nothing else other than babies and getting pregnant to focus her energy on. In the 11years we’ve been together I’ve never seen her as depressed as she’s been this last year or so. I figured things would get better for her once we got pregnant, and i still feel the same. Problem is that our next shot at motherhood now isn’t until May. That’s a LONG 3 months from now. A long 3 months to be depressed and not get better. Not getting pregnant after 2 years is hard and depressing yes,BUT it’s something that out of our control and we can’t let it take over our lives.

This week Cristine and I decided it’s time to make some positive changes! Today she had a couple of visits for parents wanting care for their kids and she now has a 5 year old girl on her daycare roster! And this week we’ve started eating healthy so we can drop some extra weight. I would say this has been a damn good week! Many positive changes 🙂

Still anxiously waiting for May but for now we’re working on improving ourselves and emotionally preparing for the IVF.

And I must say I am extremely proud of Cristine for making the effort to get out of her funk and make the needed changes. Love ya babe! 🙂

Breakdown and Breakthrough

I have been quite emotional since yesterday. My wife and I got into a little fight (all resolved now), I was told we are no longer on the April IVF schedule, and I was able to admit that I am more depressed than I let on to be. I cried all day. Not exaggerating. I would finally calm down and the smallest thing would set the tears off again. I probably wasn’t helping myself though by watching, “Make Room for Multiples” and then the soap opera General Hospital. Both stories involved women who were dealing with infertility for awhile. One had twins and the other found out she was finally pregnant. Tears!

Then today I woke up, read a blog from Cori and Kaci from the Real L word. It’s a reality show based on lesbians. Cori and Kaci had been trying to get pregnant and a part of that journey was documented. Once the show ended, I kept following them via Facebook and their WordPress blog. When they finally announced their pregnancy, after trying for months, I was so jealous. I even cried to my wife and she had to hold me as I calmed down. I mean we had been trying for so long, way before them and they were able to get that BFP before us?! I hated it. And it made me so sick to even feel that way. I’m embarrassed by my jealousy. Well today, they finally updated their followers that in December, Cori’s water broke prematurely at only 5 months. Their beautiful baby girl didn’t make it. I cried as I read their entry. I was so sad and as much as infertility sucks I would never wish to be their place right now. I was mad at myself for having such ugly feelings when they first happily shared their news. My thoughts are with them as they deal with their loss and look up to them for their bravery in sharing their story.

I look forward to the day when other couples baby announcements just brings me happiness for them. I need to get out of my self pity and just be glad that my wife and I have a chance with IVF, even if it is a month later than we hoped for. In the next couple of months I need to work on me and try to forget about TTC for now. I need to get my day care up and running even though I’ve been avoiding it, cherish the time I have my wife while it’s just the two of us, try to lose some pounds to make me feel better about myself and maybe find a hobby that I can look forward too. I need to stop looking up baby related articles, stop torturing myself by looking at baby clothes online and in stores, stop planning the themes for baby showers and first birthday parties (I know…ridiculous!), thinking of how we would announce the news to our families, and stop watching all these baby related shows. It’s really turned into an unhealthy obsession. I WANT a baby but there is nothing we can do til May. So until then I need to simply forget.

Out of sight out of mind, right???

This is going to be a long couple of months. 😦



Today my wife Cristine got a very upsetting e-mail. The finance lady from Kaiser sent an e-mail to inform us that since we hadn’t paid our $500 deposit (the deposit that everyone we spoke to failed to tell us about) we have now lost our spot for the April IVF and now have to wait until May.

I’m trying my hardest to stay positive and look at this as an opportunity to enjoy the quiet of no baby around the house for yet another month. It’s not working though. To a person not TTC 1 month is nothing, you blink and before you know it the month is over. For us in the TTC world, it’s a bit different. For us a month feels like an eternity. A month is 1 more long month you have to wait before the possibility of seeing your unborn child on that black and white sonogram screen. 1 month is torture.

The news we received put both Cristine and I in a funk. The day has been dragging for me at work and to make matters worse I was forced to stay for a second 8 hour shift. 16 hours at work away from my wife. All I wanted was to go home, cuddle and try to convince us both that this isn’t so bad.

Im thinking about calling Kaiser tomorrow and letting our doctor know what i think about what happened. This just seems so unfair. We made it clear we wanted to do this ASAP, the doctor even knew we were upset about not being able to try in March (doctor is on vacation). Why, if they saw the deposit hadn’t been paid, would NOBODY think to call us. Doesn’t it make sense for someone to have maybe thought “oh look this couple hasn’t paid the deposit. Maybe I should give them a call before I give their spot away.” Nope! Instead that scenario played out more like this: “oh look this couple hasn’t paid their deposit yet. Must mean they all of a sudden don’t want to have a baby anymore. I’ll just give their spot away.” This doesn’t seem right and I would like to at least be heard about how insensitive and unorganized I feel the staff can be. Maybe I can bitch my way into them opening an April spot for us, maybe. Probably not, but at least I’ll know I tried.

For now we’ll do what we’ve been doing since, what feels like, forever…wait.

11 Years…

That’s how long my wife and I have been together! We were only 16 when we started dating. We were young, hard-headed, selfish and made lots of mistakes when it came to our relationship. Together, we grew up and matured and have made our relationship a priority. She is my best friend and soul mate and I couldn’t imagine anyone else by my side. So Happy 11 Year Anniversary to my (someday) Baby Mama!!!