Today was finally our IVF appointment. It went well. I have a bunch of blood work and tests to do before we can actually start though. And we had planned on doing the egg retrieval in March but our Dr will be on vacation. So instead, I will begin birth control in March and start injectables in April and the retrieval soon after. And hopefully all goes well and we have a BFP in May as my birthday present!!
In other exciting (kind of baby news) we got a puppy today!!! A cute, little 3 month old Schnauzer. Lets see how this goes. My cat is freaking out at the moment and I feel horrible. 😦 I’m hoping they will become friends soon or at least tolerate one another.
Nobody in my family knows we have been trying to get pregnant. I never intended for it to be this big secret. I just wanted it to be a surprise when we finally could announce it. Of course we never thought it would take so long. After the ectopic pregnancy though I was glad nobody knew. I didn’t have to talk about it or relive it. Since then it has been somewhat of a lonely journey but it’s better then having to deal with all the questions and curiosity. But my silence welcomes unwanted comments and conversations I would rather not be a part of.
I love my mom!! I love spending time with her…most of the time. But she is on this “I need granchildren” rampage. So whenever one of my family members announces their pregnancy I don’t even want to be around her. Or whenever she feels like hounding my brothers and I about it she doesn’t know when to end the conversation. I just want to pull my hair out. I DON’T want to hear it! I know she doesn’t know about our struggle so it’s not fair to get mad at her but it really puts me in a crappy mood after hearing about her lack of grandchildren. I just have to sit through it, smile and pretend like everything is ok. But I know I still don’t want to tell her about TTC. It will just lead to different conversations, questions and her opinions on the situation. I feel like I’m broken. Like something is wrong with me because I haven’t got pregnant and I don’t want to share that part of me with people that just don’t understand what my wife and I are going through. Even if it is my mom. She had 5 children. My grandma also had 5 children. All my aunts have 2 or more children. As well as all my cousins. I know they love me and support me but they just don’t understand. They don’t know about Clomid, injectables, ovualtion tracking, TTW, IUI, ultrasounds when there isn’t even a baby yet, IVF, donor sperm, and almost two years of nothing but disappointment.
At times I just want to scream and cry and hide my face but I’ve gotten so used to putting on this mask and front that everything is ok I would shock the people around me with how depressed I do feel at times. Thank goodness for my wife though. She has been beyond supportive and has been strong for the both of us. I know it’s just as hard for her as it is for me but she does a good job at holding it all together. And thank goodness for this blog. This has been a great place to vent and share with people that actually do understand. But with everyone else I’m just going to have to keep pretending like everything is just peachy keen. Really hoping it won’t be for much longer. Ready to take off this mask and have a genuine smile.
Our last IUI was in Novemeber. We’ve been on a break so we can save up money for IVF. This break is killing me. At first it was nice to just stop. Not have to think about it. Not worry about two week waits but now I just feel like time is passing us by. I know we have to wait. We don’t have the money all put together yet so we have no choice but this is the longest break we’ve taken since we started in May 2010.
But, at least I have things and people that make me happy and I’m able to focus on those things when I start feeling down. Looking forward to this weekend. Tomorrow is the first 49ers playoff game and my brothers are BBQing at my parents house. My family can always make me laugh and make me feel better even though they don’t know what my wife and I have been going through. And on Sunday its date night for the wifey and I. She got us tickets to the Cirque de Solei/Michael Jackson show.
Time is going by, slowly but surely. Once we go to our IVF appointment (January 23) I’ll feel better. At least it will feel like we are actually doing something to get closer to having a baby.
I’ve been working midnights (11pm-7am) for almost 3 years now and, though I love it, I feel its probably not the ideal schedule for a married woman. I feel bad leaving my wife at home alone at night. I only go to bed with her twice a week, the other five days she’s on her own. So this week an opportunity to temporary switch shifts came up. I would, for 6 weeks, switch to swing shift (3pm-11pm). I figured what the hell, it’s not permanent, so I took it. I’m excited for this small change in our lives. We can go to bed together 7 days out of the week and Cristine has even agreed to start going to the gym with me in the morning! I can’t wait.
Also once we start our IVF appointments I’ll actually be alert, unlike the zombie state I’m usually in. Our appointments are usually in the late morning/afternoon and being that I get off work at 7am I’m walking into the fertility office with one eye closed (that one eye is getting some rest. Lol). AND let’s not forget the biggie….going to bed together more also means more Bow-Chika-Bow-Wow!!! Haha. A girl can only hope,right? 😉
BTW sorry for the title. I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with Vamp. Haha.
Just when we felt like we were getting ahead we came across another bump in the road. A bump that’s holding us back from the baby bump we’re hoping for.
On New years eve we decided to stay in and ring in the new year from home. All we needed was a bottle of wine, some country music and Ryan Seacrest on TV. We went out to dinner and then stopped by our local grocery store to buy a bottle of wine. On our way back home we noticed my truck was making some funny noises but it was still running so we hoped it was nothing. The next day on my way home from work the truck completely gave out on me on the freeway. Long story short…my transmission needs to be replaced! My heart sank when my mechanic said it would be anywhere between $1,700-$2,500 to either fix or replace the transmission. All I could think was “Of course! Of course the problem had to be huge. It couldn’t just be a simple fix!” Just when I honestly felt like we were getting somewhere financially, this happens. Thanks to all the overtime that’s been available at work I finally had about two thirds of the IVF money saved up…not anymore.
I feel like any possible obstacle that could be put in our way, has been put there. At what point is this process just going to go smoothly? When are we going to catch a break? Is this ever going to work out for us?
I went online and found a used transmission which will cut the costs down to maybe $1,000 but still that’s $1,000 I had to pull out of our baby fund. $1,000 further away from our goal. So frustrating. And to make matters worse I havent been able to get overtime at work anymore. All of it is now being taken by the people with way more seniority. I don’t even know if I’ll get a chance to keep working overtime to finish putting the money together. *sigh*
Anyway, let me end this post on a more positive note… Cristine and I are switching sperm banks. We’re going with one that’s more cost effective and they offer lifetime pictures! We get to see a set of 5-10 pictures of the donor from the time when he was a baby to what he currently looks like now. We r much happier with this sperm bank and cant wait to give those little swimmers a chance to make our dreams come true. Going through profiles and choosing a new donor brought a little excitement back. It made us feel like we’re moving in the right direction…again.