Got the call today.

It’s official. Not Pregnant. Not unexpected but still disappointing.


If I could turn back time

I made the HUGE mistake of getting too excited when we first started ttc and told my co-workers we were going to start trying. Why,oh why did I think that was a good idea?!? EVERY TIME I see someone who I haven’t seen in..oh,say 2 DAYS they ask “anything yet?”. I pretty much walk around every day at work telling people “nope. No baby yet”. It gets pretty annoying and frustrating after a while. I wish I hadn’t said anything to anyone.
The worst is when people give me advice without me asking for it. I get, “why don’t you start trying instead of spending all that money on your wife?” I know that this is an option for us, but it’s our very last resort. Unless we get a 100% confirmation that my wife indeed can’t ever get pregnant I want to keep giving her the opportunity to keep trying. I don’t see myself saying “sorry baby, u couldn’t do it in X amount of time, so move over and let me get the job done”. The final outcome is the same,a baby, but having me carry our child doesn’t take away the desire my wife has to be pregnant. OH, and I’ve also been asked “what if your wife just goes out and has sex with a guy? That will do the trick”. Really?!? This one gets my blood boiling and takes a lot out of me to not jump across the table and choke the person out. Im sure sending me wife to have sex with a random guy is the best solution to our problem and will be great for our marriage! NOT! To me it’s like having a straight women say to her husband, “sorry honey, guess your sperm isn’t working so I’ll be back in a few hours. I’m going to go find another man to have sex with who can get me pregnant.” I just don’t understand why people can be so inconsiderate. I guess it’s because the people saying this stuff to me are straight folks who already have children.
Anyway, for any of you new to the ttc world, don’t tell anybody until you are actually pregnant and in the clear(past first trimester). Having people constantly ask you for updates makes the monthly disappointments a lot harder to deal with. I learned the hard way :/ If I could turn back time, I would go back 2 years and never say a word to anybody about our plans to ttc.


So…here we are again after getting a BFN on our home pregnancy test. I went in today for blood work but I never received a call back from the clinic to get the results. Now we wait until Monday to get the response we both know, Not Pregnant.
I don’t know what to feel. Part of me wants to feel like there is still hope but I know that’s stupid. Why get my hopes up for no reason? Been there, done that. I sit here thinking how much more heartache can I take? We are almost in the 20’s when it’s comes to number of inseminations. That is fuckin ridiculous. I would have never thought we would be here. Because here sucks. Never did I think IVF would be in our near future or even a possibilty. But yet here we are. I don’t know if I should feel relieved because we have this option that has such high success rates. Sad because my body isnt doing what millions of other women’s do on a daily basis. Selfish because it means my wife is working her ass off for this to even be a possibility. Scared because if our first IVF cycle doesnt work than I’m out of the game. Or angry because it’s just not fair. I guess all of the above plus many more other emotions.
IVF just seems so final. It’s my last shot at this. I need this to work. I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that I may never carry a baby in my tummy. However, the bottom line is, I want to be a mommy. I need to realize that it doesn’t matter how a child comes into our lives as long as he/she does. I will get there one day but right now it’s unbearable to even think about.
But back to Here. One step at a time. I’m not out of the game just yet. I still have another cycle of injectables and then an attempt at IVF. I may lose this fight but never the battle.

Decisions, decisions, decisions…

Happy Thanksgiving! Well…not so happy, but still I am thankful. (other than ttc, life is good) We tested a few hours ago and turns out the bleeding from the other day wasn’t implantation bleeding after all. Pregnancy test (3 days early) says we are NOT pregnant. We still have to go in for blood work on Saturday so I guess we won’t know 100% for sure until then but as of now hope is lost.

This, for me, has got to be the hardest BFN we’ve gotten so far. I really thought it had worked this month. We even talked about how we would tell our families on Christmas. Against our better judgement, we allowed ourselves get our hopes up and get way ahead of ourselves with planning. That has made this disappointment much harder to deal with. Cristine only shed a couple of tears in front of me tonight, but I know there’s more to come. For some reason we always try to act strong for the each other, but once we are alone it all comes out. For example, after the BFN I didn’t say anything just went along as if nothing happened, but now I lay here in bed crying to myself while my wife sleeps next to me. I act strong, but really this whole process pains me as much as it pains Cristine.

Anyway, so now it’s time to make a decision. Before we started the hormone shots we agreed that we would only try this options twice before moving on. This month was try number two. Options now are:
A) move on to trying to get me pregnant.
B) go ahead and do one more round of the hormone shots.
C) take a break for 6 months or so to save up for the $6,000 IVF (our out of pocket cost after insurance).
D) do an IVF now and go into debt.
Problem with option A is that though I’m 110% ready to be a mom, I’m not sure I’m ready to be pregnant. I’ve never had the desire to be pregnant like Cristine does. My desire is to be a mom, to have a baby to love and raise, but the pregnancy part just doesn’t appeal much to me (good thing I’m a lesbian!). Problem with option B is what if we pay another $1,300 and again it doesn’t work? Problem with option C is that we’ve been doing this for so long that taking a break that lengthy just doesn’t feel right. We want to do something and we want to do it now. Problem with option D is that I HATE owing money. The second my credit card hits $1,000 I freak out and start working overtime to pay it off. All options have a “problem” so we have a lot to consider.

For now, we’ll enjoy thanksgiving with our families and remind ourselves that regardless of yet another BFN we still do have a lot to be thankful for.

All I want for Christmas…

I look forward to Christmas all year long. I love the cold weather and cuddling with my wife to keep warm. I love shopping for my loved ones. I even love the holiday drinks at Starbucks. It is now November 18th and the feeling of Christmas is here! As I sit here on BART,on my way to work, I’m listening to Christmas music (yep love that too!). The song All I Want For Christmas Is You is playing and all I can think is…All I want for Christmas is for my wife to be pregnant. Come on Baby Lopez, your mommies are waiting for you! You would be the best gift either one of us has ever received. If you grant our Christmas wish this year we promise to be the best mommies we can be. I can’t promise that we’ll be perfect, but one thing I do promise, we will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life and we will make sure you know it every single day.
Five more long days and we’ll finally get to take the dreadful pregnancy test. Hopefully the test will come back positive and all this headache will be quickly forgotten. Until then we’ll keep praying,hope someone out there is listening to our prayers, the pregnancy gods, Santa claus, anybody! * fingers crossed*

It Will Happen…

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

We have been trying to have a baby for a year and a half. Since than we have had friends and family members get pregnant and have babies of their own. Two days ago I had three friends who were pregnant (one just delivered her baby yesterday). Can the fertility Gods be any more cruel? I am beyond excited for them all but every once in awhile I think, “why not us?” We deserve it as much as the next couple. I sometimes find myself in a funk and can’t help but feel jealousy rear it’s ugly head into my head, heart and soul. There are times when I want to give up because maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom. Maybe my body is not letting this happen for a reason. Maybe its just not meant to be. At times I feel depressed. I don’t know how much more disappointment I can take. But today a switch was turned on. We went to visit my friend who had just gave birth and as I held that sweet baby girl in my arms I knew I couldn’t give up. I kept looking at her precious little face and it gave me renewed hope and faith. I felt a sense of calm come over me because I know one day Claudia and I will be mommies one way or another. We will make it happen no matter what. Thank you baby Kaitlyn for reminding me the fight is worth the prize.

Ding, ding, ding….Round 2!

I won’t go too into detail with the boring numbers and dates and stuff. I’ll get straight to the good stuff. Our sonogram after 6 days of injections showed…are you ready?…SIX mature follicles! This batch of eggs had a lot more achievers than last months. These genius eggs must have all fighting to be valedictorian,geez! Our chances are SO much greater now 🙂 The only problem was the doctor almost didn’t let us continue with the cycle because of the high chances of multiples but then decided to give us the ok. 3 days later we showed up, sperm tank in hand, ready for insemination.
Today is day 5 of our 2 week waiting period. We’re getting more and more anxious as each minute passes. We decided it’s too much to wait until Saturday the 26th ,so we’re testing on Wednesday the 23rd. (a day before Thanksgiving. If we’re pregnant we’re gonna walk around saying thank you to the air all day.haha) Usually we wait the whole 2 weeks but this month is a little different. On Tuesday Cristine and I were out having lunch. I had gotten up to use the restroom and when I got back she said “I didn’t want to tell u but I’ve been spotting a little since last night.” I knew exactly what that meant…implantation bleeding! I tried to not smile too much or get too excited but I couldn’t help it. We agreed that we would try to not let our hopes get too high, but I know secretly we are both thinking “this is it!.” We won’t know for sure for another 6 days ( gosh that seems like such a long dreadful wait) , until then I guess we’ll be looking for more signs. Cristine is wishing for morning sickness…stupid I know, but it will be one more positive sign. I have been paying close attention and it seems a little someone who’s name starts with a C and ends in ristine has been pee’ing a lot. Also, today I was freezing in our house (I had a jacket on), I touched her hands an they were as warm as a summer afternoon. Signs? I think so. I hope so. Guess we’ll have to wait til “test day.” Fingers crossed!

No Treat This October

We’ve fallen behind with our blogging,oopsy! I mean to update every time something changes but before I know it a week, then a month has passed and I still haven’t written. Anyway, so last month Cristine went into our local Kaiser to take a pregnancy test and it turns out our egg wasn’t as smart as the doc had thought. Or maybe the swimmers hadn’t paid attention in swimming school. Either way, no baby was made. It was hard for us to accept, but we knew our chances weren’t going to b much higher since we went in with just the 1 egg we usually have. The magical juice failed us 😦 It was time to prepare ourselves to try AGAIN. It’s a good thing I had picked up 5 extra shifts at work because 1 month of trying equals $1,300. I was hoping we would be using that money for nursery room decorations and maternity clothing,instead we purchased a miniature vial of sperm and a whole bunch of crazy hormones A.K.A. “the magic juice”. Bye bye hard earned money, hello 1 more opportunity to get pregnant!